Post by spiderfan on Sept 20, 2021 19:19:45 GMT -8
Nihao everyone it is me Spiderfan, the official NFL analyst of Sports Coast to Coast back again for Web of Football, this time the Week 2 Edition. Without further ado, let us begin!
A game so perfectly miniature it could only be work of Reducto
For almost as long as I've been doing this column (it was originally more short and more of a glorified twitter thread than anything being completely honest but nonetheless) I have referred to the NFC team in the New York City area (East Rutherford, NJ is where the stadium is after all) as the New York Football Tinys and not as the Giants. There have been periods where I have been more respectful to them and called them by their proper name, but the reason I call them the Tinys was on complete and full display to the entire football world on Thursday night. They shrink and lose games in laughable, humiliating, mind boggling, and actually kind of thought provoking ways. In my opinion (and after all this is an opinion column) the Tinys are the joke of the National Football League for that very reason.
It was a back and forth game with the Tinys in control, but not full control and the Artists Formerly known as Redskins led by former St. Louis Battlehawks backup QB Taylor Heinicke were never out of the game. Cut to the 4th quarter the Tinys are driving up 23-20 and Eli 2.0 (better known to the world as Daniel Jones) throws a deep bomb down the field to Darius Slayton for a sure touchdown that would give the Tinys a 10 point 4th quarter lead over their divisional rival on the road.
And our old friend and mascot of the Tinys makes himself known as Darius Slayton drops the pass and costs his team points at a terrible occasion to due to so and the Tinys settle for a FG and thus the Artists Formerly known as Redskins can take the lead with a touchdown and extra point... which is exactly what they do after a completely and utterly fantabulous play by both Taylor Heinicke and WR Ricky Seals-Jones (one of the best plays of the season that I have personally seen thus far). This would be a hilarious and bad enough loss on it's own if nothing much else happened for the rest of the game, but we are just getting started. After a Tinys punt on the ensuing drive, once the Artists formerly known as Redskins got the ball back, an early Christmas present is delivered not by Santa Claus, but by Washington QB Taylor Heinicke as he throws an interception which gives the Tinys spectacular field position just outside the redzone.
With a touchdown, the Tinys can force the Artists formerly known as Redskins to drive all the way back down the field to take the lead with a touchdown. Heck with a touchdown and successful two point conversion, the Tinys not only would have a 7 point lead and force the Artists formerly known as Redskins to have to score a TD and get the extra point, but the Tinys even have shrink protection because in the case that the Artists formerly known as Redskins actually tie the game it would go into overtime. Enough of my paranoid delusions!
Of course the Tinys don't capitalize on their field position and instead kick a FG to take a measly two point lead. Now all Washington has to do is get into FG range and they can set themselves up to win the game outright... which is exactly what happens after a greatly managed drive by Washington (which was aided by the Tinys terrible clock management which gave the Artists formerly known as Redskins an extra timeout). Kicker Dustin Hopkins lines up for the field goal and... it... is... NO GOOD
WHAAAAA? The Tinys win a close game on the road against a division rival in primetime? Are the Tinys ready to become Giants once again? Is Joe Judge to New York what Kevin Stefanski has been to Cleveland? Was I wrong in picking them to finish fourth in the NFC East? Has the Curse of the Miami Boat Trip been finally broken?
I am being 100% percent truthful when I tell you the thought hit me that someone on the Tinys had to have been offsides. Seconds later it is announced that Tinys DT Dexter Lawrence was in fact offsides (something that people in New York and other places are now denying was the case, which in the event that it was a blown call makes the shrinking even more funny as even the refs couldn't believe that the Tinys would actually not shrink and thus the Tinys still shrunk albeit artificially because of the refs. Personally, I think he was offsides) and Washington gets to retry the kick. Dustin Hopkins was good from 43 yards. Final score 30-29 Washington Artists formerly known as Redskins over the New York Football Tinys.
NFL Network showed Tinys RB Saquon Barkley is a state of shock and disappointment after the late game shrinkage by his team. I said this out loud to the TV screen "Saquon I hope ya make a lot of money, cause you ain't get gonna get a lot of wins."
As a final note since the infamous Miami Boat Trip? The Tinys record is 18-49.
How the Ravens finally beat the Chiefs
A thought hit me while watching the Chiefs-Ravens game that I wasn't too happy to realize. The reason I say is that is because I consider myself a fan of the Chiefs and as long time readers of this column know I've been a fan of Patrick Mahomes' since before he was the QB of the Chiefs. In fact while I liked the Chiefs before Mahomes (I had spent some of my life in Kansas) I became highly interested in the Chiefs when they got Mahomes. So with that long preface out of the way, the thought that hit me was this: the Kansas City Chiefs are a one-dimensional team. Their success lives and dies by the play of Patrick Mahomes and whether the ball is in hands. This is because of the Air Raid style of offense that the Chiefs play as a result of them building the team around Mahomes. Now, Mahomes is the GORN (Greatest of Right Now) and because he is a master of the Air Raid offense as well as having incredible physical talent, the Chiefs have won a lot of games, heck they've won a Super Bowl with him as the QB. But as you might remember what got the Chiefs in position to win was the run game, because for most of Super Bowl 54, Mahomes played poorly.
Add on that during Mahomes' tenure the Chiefs defense has been at best average and at worst outright bad. Again, most of the time this doesn't mean much because the Chiefs offense simply outscores the other team. However, when you combine the pressure put on Mahomes to play well, the not great run game, and a suspect defense you leave yourself in a position where you are mortal and can lose. All 3 of those factors are why the Ravens finally beat Chiefs.
Mahomes made some fantabulous throws like he always does, but on a number of occasions he held the ball too long and made some poor decisions which then allowed the Ravens to have extra possessions which due to the quality of their offense and the suspectness of the Chiefs defense, allowed the Ravens to score more points than they otherwise should have considering the Chiefs were in control for a good chunk of the game. This leads me to the end of the game where despite being down one point and in total control of the clock due to game management errors by the Ravens, the Chiefs hand the ball off to RB Clyde Edwards-Elaire and he fumbles the ball and the Ravens run the rest of the clock out and pull off the upset.
As a LSU fan it pains me to say that Clyde Edwards Elaire while solid isn't great and the Chiefs in reality could improve that position. It really is a shame that the Kareem Hunt situation went down the way it did (I won't get into it here, look it up for yourself although reader discretion is advised) because if he was still the RB of the Chiefs, I think they would be even better than they already are.
Credit to the Ravens though. As someone who's all time favorite college football player is Lamar Jackson and as someone who has a lot of respect for the Ravens organization at large (I've become a fan of the Ravens too) I was happy to see them finally jump the hurdle that was the Chiefs and have an epic win on Sunday Night Football for the entire football world to see. Lamar Jackson's demise was greatly exaggerated and it wouldn't surprise me if he gets his new contract within the next week. He's earned it.
BAH GAWD THAT'S (insert quaterback here)'S MUSIC
Sadly there were numerous QB injuries on Sunday that resulted in the starters being replaced by backups. There was Dolphins QB Tua Tagovailoa who suffered a rib injury and was replaced by Jacoby Brissett. The Dolphins were down when Tua was carted off and were down the rest of the way and ultimately lost 35-0 to the Bills. Suffice it to say, I don't think Tua's injury affected the outcome and the Dolphins are happy they pulled out the win last week against the Patriots.
There was Texans QB Tyrod Taylor who was playing great against the Browns and was successfully leading his team to a potential upset of the Browns. For the third time in four years in a row Taylor got hurt and was replaced by a rookie QB, this time it was former Stanford Cardinal Davis Mills who didn't play all that well and despite the loss not being entirely his fault, Taylor's injury reduced team morale and any real hope of an upset seemed to dissipate.
There was Colts QB Carson Wentz who actually played the best game he has played in a LONG time and like Taylor was successfully leading his team to a potential upset of the Rams and like Taylor, Wentz got hurt for the upteenth time. He would be replaced by Jacob Eason (as Sam Ehlinger suffered a serious injury in the preseason) who immediately threw an interception and cost the Colts the game. To be fair to Eason, it is quite possible that Wentz would have done the exact same thing given his recent track record. We'll never know.
And finally there was Chicago's most hated man Andy Dalton playing against his former team the Bengals, and like Taylor and Wentz was playing well, however he suffered a knee injury and was replaced by rookie phenom Justin Fields who looked terrible on the stat sheet but made a late play with his legs to ice the game for the Bears and stop a Bengals rally. I actually think the Bengals would have come back and won the game if Fields hadn't gotten in there because of the lack of mobility by Dalton.
Other thoughts:
-Ya know if the Seahawks offense was as good as it sometimes looks, they'd be the best team in the entire NFL.
-Congrats to Derek Carr for having the best 2 game stretch a Raiders QB has ever had!
-Only the Cowboys would win despite buffoonery by their head coach.
-Remember that narrative about how Aaron Rodgers was tanking? Yeah... it looks like that was just one of those weird road blowout losses the Packers have and not a sign of things to come.
-Jameis Winston isn't good? The better question is how do people refuse to realize that Winston isn't good?
ROAD TO 0-17
7 teams are currently 0-2. I will keep doing this segment until every team has a win or a tie. Teams currently without a win or tie are:
New York Jets
Indianapolis Colts
Jacksonville Jaguars
New York Football Tinys
Minnesota Vikings
Atlanta Falcons
Detroit Lions
That is what being on the losing end of a game of the year candidate sounds like in its purest form. Your Vikings will win a Super Bowl at some point Paul Allen... just with a different coach and general manager and quarterback at the helm. The Vikings will find ways to win some games a Kirk Cousins led team always does, but I'd be surprised if there wasn't a total shakeup of the organization after this season. The Jets and Jaguars are still bad, but I still predict they'll have at least a couple games a piece that are solid wins to build off for the future. The game next week that will be most relevant to this segment is the game between the Falcons and the Tinys. Whoever loses that game next week is the team that in my opinion is most likely to go 0-17, and I would pick it here, but I don't feel great about either of them.
ROAD TO 17-0
7 teams are currently 2-0. I will keep doing this segment until every team has a loss or a tie. Teams currently without a loss or tie are:
Las Vegas Raiders
Denver Broncos
San Francisco 49ers
Los Angeles Rams
Arizona Cardinals
Tommy Bay Buccaneers
Carolina Panthers
Of all these teams the ones that stand out the most to me are the Broncos and Panthers. It will be interesting if this is early season padding for what I expected before the season to be bad teams or if they keep winning and actually make the postseason. The Buccaneers are still fun to watch and Brady and Gronk continue to be as good as ever. I echo my thoughts from last week and I recommend ya read it to get my full thoughts on this Bucs team. They are still in my opinion the team most likely to go 17-0.
With that said I do want to give the winner of the aforementioned game of the year candidate, the Cardinals a shout out because they played a heck of a game and even though they are a good team, sometimes you need luck to pull out a win. I highly recommend you watch the full highlights if you didn't the chance to watch the game because they are totally worth your time. I'll leave you with my personal favorite play by play commentator in all of sports the great Gus Johnson's call of the ending to Vikings-Cardinals.
As always I hope ya enjoyed and I hope to see ya again next week. This is spiderfan out.